not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
