He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
