What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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