So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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