I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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