does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
