Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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