Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i've created a new STD.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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