i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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