I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
