Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So much rum. So many feels.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
