This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
