Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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