Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I deserve this hangover.
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