its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize