so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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