I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
