I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I need moral support for this bender
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
