i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
