I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
