I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
