Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The uberlube is also flammable
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
