I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
