$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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