Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
