Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
