when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
