I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
