Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
