remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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