they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
