Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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