Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
