I accidentally had phone sex last night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is Oprah even human
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
