i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dear god my vagina.
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