So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
