haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
