my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
