This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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