Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
