last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
