Hey man sorry I got all grabby
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
