What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
