I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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