it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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