you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
