I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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