mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
