i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize