I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
