My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
