grandma shit on top of the toilet
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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