When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
