Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
