I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
