Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
