I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i will never coherently bang her
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
