Tell her she can't have a vagina
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
