Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
