My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
