the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
